In the Night

“Jacob, where do you find the strength to carry on in life?”

“Life is often heavy only because we attempt to carry it,” said Jacob. “But I do find a strength in the ashes.”

“In the ashes?” asked Mr. Gold.

“Yes,” said Jacob, with a confirmation that seemed to have traveled a great distance.

“You see, Mr. Gold, each of us is alone. Each of us is in the great darkness of our ignorance. And, each of us is on a journey.

“In the process of our journey, we must bend to build a fire for light, and warmth, and food.

“But when our fingers tear at the ground, hoping to find the coals of another’s fire, what we often find is the ashes.

“And, in those ashes, which will not give us light or warmth, there may be sadness, but there is also testimony.

“Because these ashes tell is that somebody else has been in the night, somebody else has bent to build a fire, and somebody else has carried on.

“And that can be enough, sometimes.”

~Noah benShea

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Immunity

I recently had to deal with a relationship problem. Wow, super unusual I'm sure. I was dreading the confrontation of it but I was in prayer at church on Wednesday. I felt like God gave me a little insight into relationships. First, I am female. Shocker, for anyone who knows me. I am more in tune with relationships than guys. I like relationships, I need them, I want them. So, pretty big priority in my life. So of course, also a big trap where I could potentially fall. Then God led me to David. He was known for a heart after God. After all, Papa G Himself said it. (I have it in writing.) So a lot of people want to be like David and want Papa G to say something equally as cool and memorable. Looking at the life of David, he was all about relationship. With his father. With his sheep. With Samuel. Then with Saul. Especially with Jonathan. And Michal. With his people. But first and foremost, always with God. He didn't care to get undignified before God in his worship, He refused to model himself after Saul's ways, and he was constantly pursuing the Father. So relationship was almost as important to him as to females everywhere. Almost. Now where did David fall? Oh yeah. Relationship. ADULTEROUS relationship. With a FEMALE. So it's very likely for me to fall and for relationships to be something that divides me from others, takes me away from God, and potentially leaves me feeling isolated. I took this as a warning from God to be protective over my relationships. Even in dealing with the confrontation ahead of me, I knew I had to be honest and not just say everything was okay. But I also knew I had to say it in a way that would protect the other person and not come off as critical or accusing. I'm known for being that way so it would be harder than just letting word vomit come out of my mouth. But I believe God showed me that as a reminder to protect myself in relationships and to protect the relationships I truly value because they are still a potential trap for me and everyone else involved. I was made for relationship but that doesn't keep me immune from its traps.

PS I had some quiet time at a "cabin" by the "lake" which was very peaceful and took me to a place I need to be with Papa G. Check it out...

The Shack

If you want to know more about God, read The Shack. If you want to understand Jesus better, read The Shack. If you aren't sure if the Holy Spirit is real, read The Shack. If you just love to read, read The Shack. If you hate to read, read The Shack. If you do nothing else this year in your life, read The Shack!

This book has given me a whole new perspective on life and my relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. This book has meat for all ages, plenty of things to chew on. It hits on many major questions the world has for God as well as realistic situations that we all go through. This book is fiction but I believe it contains revelation of who God is and how our relationship with Him can really be.

I want to just share some of my favorite quotes from the book and hope that it will inspire you to read it for yourself.

"Once the Creation was broken, true fathering would be much more lacking than mothering...an emphasis on fathering is necessary because of the enormity of its absence." pg 94

"Humans are not defined by their limitations, but by the limitations that I have for them; not by what they seem to be, but by everything it means to be created in my image." pg 100

"We work within your systems even while we seek to free you from them." pg 123

"Rights are where survivors go, so that they won't have to work out relationships." pg 137

"Genuine relationships are marked by submission even when your choices are not helpful or healthy." pg 145

PS Go ahead and buy it. You will be doing a ton of highlighting, page folding, and rereading. It's worth it!

Healing

I figure since most of our hurts come from relationships, so will our healing. - Willie P. Young

This quote has stuck with me all day and my mind has went crazy analyzing the different meanings contained in it.

We feel rejected by God or disappointed by Him, confused, betrayed, and so on and what's the first thing we do? Run to other people. We look for other people and relationships to love us the way we want God to love us.

Or vice versa. Other people have hurt me so I run to God to avenge me but mostly, I'm looking for revenge. I run to God to snitch on my friends and expect Him to change them, but He always ends up changing me.

And then there's the most common. We are in a relationship with someone, they cut us, we replace them with a new relationship. I need to prove to myself that I am worth it, that I am good enough. So I will find someone else to fulfill the relationship I couldn't.

But what if our healing comes from the very same relationship that hurt us? What if when God does something I don't undestand, I look for healing and a deeper relationship with Him?

I'm not saying new relationships can't heal old hurts. I'm saying, do we go into new relationships looking for healing? Or do we play them the same way and hope they turn out differently? I'm guilty. I go about things the same way and rationalize with myself that I already know I can handle the hurt if it happens again. Been there, done that. I go into it knowing I can survive. I don't go into it thinking I can be healed.

There is often some compensation in every trial, if one looked hard enough. - Willie P. Young

What are you looking for? If you look hard enough, you'll find it...

Cut

People have hurt me.

I have hurt people.

This is what I've learned. I feel anger toward them and I want to make them feel the same pain (or worse) than what they made me feel. But after I've dealt with the anger- really dealt with it- I end up knowing God in a new way. I wouldn't trade that for anything. I know God in a way you couldn't possibly understand. I can rely on Him to bring me through the next hurt because I've already been there, done that.

For the people I have hurt, I hope that they realized this lesson even sooner than I did. I don't set out intending to hurt others. But then again, I don't set out to protect them either.

Hurt is a part of life. Maturity isn't until you choose it.

Knowledge isn't given, it's sought. I seek to know God better through every situation. I don't always accomplish that goal but I'm pursuing it. I've been hurt and I'll hurt again.

But I walked away better.

Thank you.

My Person(s)

So if you are a fan of Grey's Anatomy then I hope my title made you giggle or maybe just a sentimental smile as you imagine Meredith and Cristina in an awkward embrace.

But, anyway.

Last night Shellie spoke about your three people. (Yay, another list!)

1. Father: The usually older, wiser, more experienced person who invests in your life, who teaches you, mentors, etc. Let's call him Pauly.



2. Brother: This is the person who walks with you, goes through life with you, supports, encourages, and just stands besides you. His name is Barnabus but we'll call him Brother B just for fun.



3. Son: This is the person that you invest your life into. Taking the things you learned from Pauly, the things you shared with Brother B and pouring that into someone else's life. And who else is he but Timothy aka Tiny Tim.

So I was thinking about these people in my life. I have three main father-figures. I feel like I have about four or so daughters. But I really only have a couple Brother B's in my life. As I was thinking about this, I decided that I'm not a very good Brother B either. It's easy for me to find older people and question them and observe them and learn from them. It's easy for me to teach younger people who haven't been through what I already have. But it's hard for me to really walk beside someone and truly believe in them. Why?

1. It's hard for me to believe in myself. If it's outside of my gifts and talents, I don't really wanna try it. If I'm not good at it, why bother? I don't enjoy being sucktacular.



2. I'm too busy trying to look better than you. It's easy for me to be transparent with people older who I can learn from and people younger who can learn from me. But with people that are on my level, I don't want then to think they have the edge on me. So I try to seem mysterious by not being truthful. I can take correction coming from a father but from a brother, it always feels like criticism. And even as I typed that, I was thinking that problem probably comes from the fact that I have a critical spirit toward my own sisters. And they know that. I'm afraid to not be the best. And again, this stems from my own insecurities. But how can I encourage others when I'm afraid they won't like me if I'm not the best? So...encouraging others takes confidence in yourself. You have to be comfortable enough with who you are to encourage other people to be more than they are...more than you are. And I struggle with that. I struggle with seeing who people can become. I limit them with my own labels of who they should be. And then when they don't live up to my silly expectations, I get hurt? That is no sense-making.



3. I don't really believe in you and number two was really long. I know that is really...mean. And shallow. But again, based on my own insecurities. I know that God can change anything, fix anyone, and do whatever He wants. He is very capable. But I don't always believe He will do it for me. And if He hasn't done it for me yet...how can I truly believe He will do it for you?

For me, being Brother B is the most difficult. It takes a lot of faith. Apparently, more than I currently have. Maybe it's a struggle for you to take correction from authority or hard to be loved by a father. Maybe you have a hard time getting close to younger people and sharing your past. But all three of these are important concepts and important steps to maturity. How can I be a mother and a daughter and not know how to be a sister? I look at it like this. I learn how to be a mother by watching my mother. I learn how to be a daughter by having my own daughters. But who teaches me how to be a sister?

Either/Or

Abraham raised his knife and blessed His God.
Fully intending to obey his God and fully believing God would still fulfill His promise.The greatest act of Abraham’s faith was leaving the fulfilling up to God.
-Joanna Weaver

One of my big problems is that I can't do both. From my perspective, I either obey God or I get what I want, but never both. Obviously, everything is not about what I want. But let's be honest, that's the way I view life. So I have two choices. Get what I want, or don't. But this quote made me realize...there is a third choice. The third choice is having enough faith to believe I can have both. Abraham had enough faith and a big enough God that he knew God could do it even if he couldn't understand how. Abraham was willing to put a knife to his son because He knew God could raise him from the dead.

By faith, Abraham, at the time of testing, offered Isaac back to God. Acting in faith, he was as ready to return the promised son, his only son, as he had been to receive him—and this after he had already been told, "Your descendants shall come from Isaac." Abraham figured that if God wanted to, he could raise the dead. Hebrews 11.17 (MSG)

So now my third choice is to believe both at the same time. Here's how I see it. (Now I will make a list because that makes me feel accomplished.)

1. I obey and I get what I want. Sometimes I want the right things so it's easy to obey and still get what I wanted in the beginning.



2. I obey and God changes what I want. Sometimes my obedience will cause God to change what I want to match what He wants. So then I still get what I want but more importantly, He gets what He wants.



3. I obey and I deal with not getting what I want. Sometimes the answer is just no. Sometimes I want the wrong things. Sometimes God doesn't explain. But in the end, I was obedient. And this opens up an opportunity for me to know God in a way I didn't know before. He is now my comforter, my strength, my support, my guidance, my hiding place, and the healer of my broken heart. So technically I still didn't get what I originally wanted. And not because God is mean. But because God wants the best for me more than to make me happy. And the best thing for me is to know God in a new way and find a new place with Him. And yeah, I want that.