My Person(s)

So if you are a fan of Grey's Anatomy then I hope my title made you giggle or maybe just a sentimental smile as you imagine Meredith and Cristina in an awkward embrace.

But, anyway.

Last night Shellie spoke about your three people. (Yay, another list!)

1. Father: The usually older, wiser, more experienced person who invests in your life, who teaches you, mentors, etc. Let's call him Pauly.



2. Brother: This is the person who walks with you, goes through life with you, supports, encourages, and just stands besides you. His name is Barnabus but we'll call him Brother B just for fun.



3. Son: This is the person that you invest your life into. Taking the things you learned from Pauly, the things you shared with Brother B and pouring that into someone else's life. And who else is he but Timothy aka Tiny Tim.

So I was thinking about these people in my life. I have three main father-figures. I feel like I have about four or so daughters. But I really only have a couple Brother B's in my life. As I was thinking about this, I decided that I'm not a very good Brother B either. It's easy for me to find older people and question them and observe them and learn from them. It's easy for me to teach younger people who haven't been through what I already have. But it's hard for me to really walk beside someone and truly believe in them. Why?

1. It's hard for me to believe in myself. If it's outside of my gifts and talents, I don't really wanna try it. If I'm not good at it, why bother? I don't enjoy being sucktacular.



2. I'm too busy trying to look better than you. It's easy for me to be transparent with people older who I can learn from and people younger who can learn from me. But with people that are on my level, I don't want then to think they have the edge on me. So I try to seem mysterious by not being truthful. I can take correction coming from a father but from a brother, it always feels like criticism. And even as I typed that, I was thinking that problem probably comes from the fact that I have a critical spirit toward my own sisters. And they know that. I'm afraid to not be the best. And again, this stems from my own insecurities. But how can I encourage others when I'm afraid they won't like me if I'm not the best? So...encouraging others takes confidence in yourself. You have to be comfortable enough with who you are to encourage other people to be more than they are...more than you are. And I struggle with that. I struggle with seeing who people can become. I limit them with my own labels of who they should be. And then when they don't live up to my silly expectations, I get hurt? That is no sense-making.



3. I don't really believe in you and number two was really long. I know that is really...mean. And shallow. But again, based on my own insecurities. I know that God can change anything, fix anyone, and do whatever He wants. He is very capable. But I don't always believe He will do it for me. And if He hasn't done it for me yet...how can I truly believe He will do it for you?

For me, being Brother B is the most difficult. It takes a lot of faith. Apparently, more than I currently have. Maybe it's a struggle for you to take correction from authority or hard to be loved by a father. Maybe you have a hard time getting close to younger people and sharing your past. But all three of these are important concepts and important steps to maturity. How can I be a mother and a daughter and not know how to be a sister? I look at it like this. I learn how to be a mother by watching my mother. I learn how to be a daughter by having my own daughters. But who teaches me how to be a sister?

Either/Or

Abraham raised his knife and blessed His God.
Fully intending to obey his God and fully believing God would still fulfill His promise.The greatest act of Abraham’s faith was leaving the fulfilling up to God.
-Joanna Weaver

One of my big problems is that I can't do both. From my perspective, I either obey God or I get what I want, but never both. Obviously, everything is not about what I want. But let's be honest, that's the way I view life. So I have two choices. Get what I want, or don't. But this quote made me realize...there is a third choice. The third choice is having enough faith to believe I can have both. Abraham had enough faith and a big enough God that he knew God could do it even if he couldn't understand how. Abraham was willing to put a knife to his son because He knew God could raise him from the dead.

By faith, Abraham, at the time of testing, offered Isaac back to God. Acting in faith, he was as ready to return the promised son, his only son, as he had been to receive him—and this after he had already been told, "Your descendants shall come from Isaac." Abraham figured that if God wanted to, he could raise the dead. Hebrews 11.17 (MSG)

So now my third choice is to believe both at the same time. Here's how I see it. (Now I will make a list because that makes me feel accomplished.)

1. I obey and I get what I want. Sometimes I want the right things so it's easy to obey and still get what I wanted in the beginning.



2. I obey and God changes what I want. Sometimes my obedience will cause God to change what I want to match what He wants. So then I still get what I want but more importantly, He gets what He wants.



3. I obey and I deal with not getting what I want. Sometimes the answer is just no. Sometimes I want the wrong things. Sometimes God doesn't explain. But in the end, I was obedient. And this opens up an opportunity for me to know God in a way I didn't know before. He is now my comforter, my strength, my support, my guidance, my hiding place, and the healer of my broken heart. So technically I still didn't get what I originally wanted. And not because God is mean. But because God wants the best for me more than to make me happy. And the best thing for me is to know God in a new way and find a new place with Him. And yeah, I want that.